Are you feeling like “I’m always wrong” ?
One of my painful moments this journey has been when my family is in crisis that I feel like was due to my fault.
It is either I feel like it’s my fault, or I’m made to feel like it’s my fault by my husband’s words.
Either way, it’s so painful.
It’s painful because I obviously didn’t mean it to happen.
This situation is doubly painful because
People I care about is being hurt/inconvenienced/at risk etc.
“Why did I let it happen!? I’m so stupid/careless/dumb! I am better than this! I’m a moron!”
Over time I learned I’m hurting myself more, by my own criticism and hate towards myself. (This is where self-compassion comes in, which is discussed on other posts.)
I used not be always this self critical. My husband often said these painful words to me when we were in a bad place.
“You’re a moron!”
“You suck.”
“You don’t care about us.”
Ahhhh these words hurt.
Even today, when we have such a great relationship, re-writing these sentences still hurt me greatly.
Some people call this, verbal abuse.
Some people say, you shouldn’t stay with someone who says these painful things to you.
And I don’t disagree, if that’s the right path for you.
But for me, luckily I had an opportunity to learn more about myself and about my husband, before I filed for a divorce and hurt my children even more.
And I’m just so grateful I did not ruin my family prematurely, so want to share my experience with you.
When he said these painful things, I learned that’s his way of expressing his pain.
Now, I’m not justifying his actions.
I still don’t deserve to be hurt by his words.
So I used to attack him back. Or simply cry in the closet (and let the resentment boil for a while until it exploded as an attack).
This previous way only caused a backlash.
He and I ended up in a bigger fight, causing a lot more pain to each other.
So what do I do differently now?
I hear his words as his simple release of his emotions. I don’t let them attack me personally.
Those painful words are baits, and I’m the little clownfish. I sing “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming” in my head. Even with a smile! I am very intentional in NOT biting these baits. It’s up to me whether or not to bite these baits!! It’s up to me!
Remember all the ways he helped me and cared for me in the past. Trust it’s still him. Trust he still cares the same about me. Know he doesn’t want to purposefully hurt me.
Above #3 helps me remember empathy. He’s also struggling now, because he wants to make my life better but this unfortunate circumstance is against him. I empathize for his pain and frustration. This also makes me feel grateful he cares about me so much.
Just let go of what happens next. Know some things are out of my control. Don’t try to force for a resolution.
When I follow these steps now, my resentment or anger that I feel like I’m unfairly being blamed for dissipates.
Then I usually get a sweet hug and apology and appreciation from him in a few hours.
It’s up to me to be happy! It’s up to me not to bite the baits!
I invite you to also experiment with these steps when you’re about to be in that familiar pain. You actually don’t have to take the painful path.
